Not Getting It Together

I keep trying, but I just don't seem to be able to get myself going in the right direction.  I have gained weight and so not happy with me.


I am happy overall though...and I am hoping that will fuel me to do the important things to make me happy with me.


A new year around the corner...what changes to make...


I am thinking I may do The Artist's Way exercises again...who know...it may be just what I need.


Will do a family post soon...they are all doing so great...I need to share...stay tuned...

Where Do I Start?

Wow, I am completely shocked, and well, then maybe I am not...that I have not posted since December 12, 2014.  On December 20th I began a journey that first broke my heart and it took almost 3 months to get it back together, though with tape at first so it was still quite fragile and it is still only being held together by Elmers glue, so still not quite where it needs to be.  It is very personal and only a few people know and will know, but that is why I stopped posting for over half a year.

My children, thankfully did keep my attention thought it was very laborious at times, they were one of the few things I could concentrate on because I knew they needed me and I could be in a different world away from my hurt for awhile.  In the first 30-45 days however there were times, when their daddy was the lifesaver as I was so deep in my despair that I could not let them see me as I was at the time.

For the first time in my life I turned to medication to try to help with the depression I had been thrown into.  And now that I am off that med and have made it this far, I am of the mind, that one, I probably needed a med when we lost the girls and two, I never want to take a med for that again.

Since coming off the meds the Elmers glue is slowly being replaced with superglue, but I still need mortar and that will take awhile I do believe.

I cry about the girls regularly now...I had not really done that since right after losing them.  I think I needed to, but just did not.  I am more attentive to people and things in my life since coming off the meds and I knew I was not while on them, but I truly did not seem to care.  I started realizing it more and more and that is when I knew I had to come off the meds...so I could get me back.

I am meditating again...focusing more...trying to help some very special people in my life through manifestation.  And now today...I started looking at my Chakra.  I have let this go far to long and I am sure is a very large reason as to why things have occurred as they have since November.

 For years now I see a large amount of yellow and dark blue in my Chakra when I meditate...very little orange and bit more light blue, bu tno purple and no red what so ever.  So, as of today I will be working on bringing them back into balance.

We have a trip planned with the children during Christmas break.  I have created a goal for myself to be more balanced in my Chakra before then.  If I am well balanced it will only make life better for people that I communicate with daily.

Ah, this felt good.  I need to do this more.  Thanks for caring enough to read what I write.

Namaste

Happiness

Happiness is so elusive, isn't it? You think you have it and something comes and makes it difficult to keep it.  What I find even more difficult where happiness is concerned is not allowing someone else's unhappiness affect me.  I find that when a person I love is unhappy and I have no control over that, it makes me unhappy and I am grasping for things to make me happy.  And truth is I have plenty to be happy about, but unhappiness is very heavy and hard to lift off from my soul.

I find that when the children are with me I concentrate more on them and that helps.  It is amazing how light that unhappiness can be when children are involved in the equation. 

So, we are getting closer to Christmas and I find every day a challenge to stay focused on being happy for and with the children.  Evenings are better than days, which is a good thing since my babies are with me in the evenings.

If you are going through something similar I hope you are finding that something to concentrate on that helps you lift that heavy weight of unhappiness.

So, I have also found that concentrating on the reason for the season helps also.  This is a time of the rebirth of the light of Christ in all of us and I am trying to take this time to teach my little ones about what that means for them, while still including the goodness of Father Christmas and what it means to give to others.

Moving Forward

A lot is going on...I think that will be pretty much the way of  life for the next five years or 18...who knows...LOL.
  
Izza is in high school.  Little ones are in preschool and day care.

Kerry has went back to work and we are working on getting the business going.  

I am applying for a position that will allow me to continue to work from home, but move up in grade.

I am learning to balance the loves in my life and I notice that each one brings something different to my level of happiness. 

I count my blessings every day that God has brought me my children and my loves.  All of our souls are intertwined and it makes the perfect quilt in  my life.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  I embrace the changing colors...and recognize the things in my life that I am so very thankful for on a daily basis.

Yes, This is What I Believe

So, someone I care about contacted me recently about my blog and asked if what she read on here is really what I believe.

My answer,"yes, I don't put anything on here that is not true for me.

Her response was she was shocked.  I don't know if it changed how she feels about me, but I still care about her and that is all I can control in life is how I respond and react, not how other people do.

We all have different beliefs, values, spiritual practices, you name it.  I love that about the human race.  That we are all so different.

Read my blog, read way back.  I love my husband.  I love my family, but there is a part of me that wants to and will experience more.  And I do not feel that God would want it any other way.  IMO, that is why he/she put us here, to experience life.  Well, baby, I am here to tell you I have a ton more I still want to experience, and it will not all be with just my husband, or my family.  I love life and there are people in my life I love deeply, some women, and they are my sisters, some men who are very important to my happiness on a daily basis.  I don't want a divorce to go be with these men.  I love my husband and my family.  We are not perfect...and our love has changed through the years, but we do still love each other and we will raise this family together and grow old together, having amazing life experiences.  I will however have my other special relationships and I will not apologize for them as I do not believe that we were meant to love only one person for eternity.

I believe you can have a soul connection with many people and I do.  Sadly one of my sisters does not get this either, but that is because we are both in different phases of our spiritual growth.  I have worked really hard to not let man made rules and ideals effect how I live my life on a spiritual level and I believe all relationships are at the spiritual level.  I sometimes let man made ideals get in my way, but I am not perfect and it is hard to shed some of the things we were brought up to believe, but I have come a long way and I am still growing and learning what is right for me, what the plan is that God and I put together before I came to be on this earth.

So, stick around if you are interested.  I'll share more as time goes and maybe you will come to a new way of looking at things.

Namaste

Keep Calm

2 Loves - It's Joyful and Complicated

So, I mentioned the last time I blogged that I had recently realized that I was in love with a man that I have known for a little over two years.  I have had and still do have many male friends and this is the first one I have found that I actually love as much as I love my husband.  And there is the rub.  If you have been following me all these years you can go back and you will find that I love my husband heart and soul.  We have really found ourselves to be soul mates.  So, when it hit me and let me tell you, it hit me, that I was in love with my friend Doc, well it threw me.  I had a couple weeks of complete and utter confusion going on in my heart and head.  I prayed and consulted a friend of my heart and I prayed.  I then told my husband and that in the end is what I should have done first.  He helped me put it all into perspective and in the end was so understanding it was such a relief.  He understands and also believes that it is possible to be heart and soul  in love with two people at the same time and has said that he will not stop me from following this through.  I was surprised, but so, so relieved that I had not caused any damage to our relationship and that I could continue my other relationship.

To most of you, I am sure you are saying...WHAT?????  But that is because we have been taught only about monogamy.  Created laws that don't allow people to even be married to more than one person at a time.  When marriage is an affair of the heart I don't understand where laws should come into play.  A license to get married???  Really???  As I said I did some reading on polyamory and I think one of my favorite items is from a blog titled Adventures in Polyamory.  I really liked how he put things into perspective in this blog post and I agree with so much that he says here that I really encourage you to read it, but I wanted to share my favorite line from the blog and I feel it really sums up how I feel about this in my life.  The female in his story states at one point that "love is not like a bathtub;somebody doesn't need to get out to make room for someone else."  I don't have to not love or leave my husband to be in love with Doc and act on that love.  I do however have to upfront and honest with both of them and that has been the easiest part because I love them both so much and do not want either to be hurt.

So, as I sit here typing this today, I am a very blessed woman to be loved by two wonderful men and for them both to allow me to return that love in kind.  I have three wonderful children that in no way will be hurt by this because in the end their mother is actually happier than she has been in awhile.  And it is not that I was unhappy with my marriage or my love with my husband, but that love was comfortable and I had other things going on in my life that I would allow to invade my happiness.  I am now learning to push that stuff back and enjoy the love that I have around me.

Joy and Peace to all.

Starting anew

Adoption finalized May 22nd.

Moved back to Georgia June 14th.

Realized I am heart and soul in love with a friend that I have known for just over two years.

Life is complicated, but it is all good.

Happy.

New Stuff

We are now a family of 5!!!  As of May 22nd Alejandra and Kristian became ours!!

Izza is going on to 9th grade...unbelievable!!!  Where has the time gone!!  I remember the little 11 year old that came to my house 3 1/2 years ago, just wanting to be loved...now I have a loving young lady, with a teenage attitude.  :)  It is all good...just can't believe how quick it all happened.

 

 

So, now we are off to Georgia.  Going back home after 13 1/2 years.  It will be different...I am not the same person.  I have really grown since leaving that state at 31 years of age and traveling around the U.S. changing jobs, meeting new people, and growing spiritually in the process.

 

I think different than I did then...the things that were important than are not necessarily the same things that are important to me now.  I would surprise people with some of my beliefs...but may are private and I won't go into them here.

 

So, it will be interesting to see how my new family dynamic and the me that I have grown to be fit into my old world in the Augusta, GA community. 

 

 

Excitement abounds...a lot of work in the next week and a half...and a bit of nervousness to go with it...Stay tuned...

 



Smile Today and Everyday