Not Getting It Together

I keep trying, but I just don't seem to be able to get myself going in the right direction.  I have gained weight and so not happy with me.


I am happy overall though...and I am hoping that will fuel me to do the important things to make me happy with me.


A new year around the corner...what changes to make...


I am thinking I may do The Artist's Way exercises again...who know...it may be just what I need.


Will do a family post soon...they are all doing so great...I need to share...stay tuned...

Where Do I Start?

Wow, I am completely shocked, and well, then maybe I am not...that I have not posted since December 12, 2014.  On December 20th I began a journey that first broke my heart and it took almost 3 months to get it back together, though with tape at first so it was still quite fragile and it is still only being held together by Elmers glue, so still not quite where it needs to be.  It is very personal and only a few people know and will know, but that is why I stopped posting for over half a year.

My children, thankfully did keep my attention thought it was very laborious at times, they were one of the few things I could concentrate on because I knew they needed me and I could be in a different world away from my hurt for awhile.  In the first 30-45 days however there were times, when their daddy was the lifesaver as I was so deep in my despair that I could not let them see me as I was at the time.

For the first time in my life I turned to medication to try to help with the depression I had been thrown into.  And now that I am off that med and have made it this far, I am of the mind, that one, I probably needed a med when we lost the girls and two, I never want to take a med for that again.

Since coming off the meds the Elmers glue is slowly being replaced with superglue, but I still need mortar and that will take awhile I do believe.

I cry about the girls regularly now...I had not really done that since right after losing them.  I think I needed to, but just did not.  I am more attentive to people and things in my life since coming off the meds and I knew I was not while on them, but I truly did not seem to care.  I started realizing it more and more and that is when I knew I had to come off the meds...so I could get me back.

I am meditating again...focusing more...trying to help some very special people in my life through manifestation.  And now today...I started looking at my Chakra.  I have let this go far to long and I am sure is a very large reason as to why things have occurred as they have since November.

 For years now I see a large amount of yellow and dark blue in my Chakra when I meditate...very little orange and bit more light blue, bu tno purple and no red what so ever.  So, as of today I will be working on bringing them back into balance.

We have a trip planned with the children during Christmas break.  I have created a goal for myself to be more balanced in my Chakra before then.  If I am well balanced it will only make life better for people that I communicate with daily.

Ah, this felt good.  I need to do this more.  Thanks for caring enough to read what I write.

Namaste

Happiness

Happiness is so elusive, isn't it? You think you have it and something comes and makes it difficult to keep it.  What I find even more difficult where happiness is concerned is not allowing someone else's unhappiness affect me.  I find that when a person I love is unhappy and I have no control over that, it makes me unhappy and I am grasping for things to make me happy.  And truth is I have plenty to be happy about, but unhappiness is very heavy and hard to lift off from my soul.

I find that when the children are with me I concentrate more on them and that helps.  It is amazing how light that unhappiness can be when children are involved in the equation. 

So, we are getting closer to Christmas and I find every day a challenge to stay focused on being happy for and with the children.  Evenings are better than days, which is a good thing since my babies are with me in the evenings.

If you are going through something similar I hope you are finding that something to concentrate on that helps you lift that heavy weight of unhappiness.

So, I have also found that concentrating on the reason for the season helps also.  This is a time of the rebirth of the light of Christ in all of us and I am trying to take this time to teach my little ones about what that means for them, while still including the goodness of Father Christmas and what it means to give to others.

Moving Forward

A lot is going on...I think that will be pretty much the way of  life for the next five years or 18...who knows...LOL.
  
Izza is in high school.  Little ones are in preschool and day care.

Kerry has went back to work and we are working on getting the business going.  

I am applying for a position that will allow me to continue to work from home, but move up in grade.

I am learning to balance the loves in my life and I notice that each one brings something different to my level of happiness. 

I count my blessings every day that God has brought me my children and my loves.  All of our souls are intertwined and it makes the perfect quilt in  my life.

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  I embrace the changing colors...and recognize the things in my life that I am so very thankful for on a daily basis.

Yes, This is What I Believe

So, someone I care about contacted me recently about my blog and asked if what she read on here is really what I believe.

My answer,"yes, I don't put anything on here that is not true for me.

Her response was she was shocked.  I don't know if it changed how she feels about me, but I still care about her and that is all I can control in life is how I respond and react, not how other people do.

We all have different beliefs, values, spiritual practices, you name it.  I love that about the human race.  That we are all so different.

Read my blog, read way back.  I love my husband.  I love my family, but there is a part of me that wants to and will experience more.  And I do not feel that God would want it any other way.  IMO, that is why he/she put us here, to experience life.  Well, baby, I am here to tell you I have a ton more I still want to experience, and it will not all be with just my husband, or my family.  I love life and there are people in my life I love deeply, some women, and they are my sisters, some men who are very important to my happiness on a daily basis.  I don't want a divorce to go be with these men.  I love my husband and my family.  We are not perfect...and our love has changed through the years, but we do still love each other and we will raise this family together and grow old together, having amazing life experiences.  I will however have my other special relationships and I will not apologize for them as I do not believe that we were meant to love only one person for eternity.

I believe you can have a soul connection with many people and I do.  Sadly one of my sisters does not get this either, but that is because we are both in different phases of our spiritual growth.  I have worked really hard to not let man made rules and ideals effect how I live my life on a spiritual level and I believe all relationships are at the spiritual level.  I sometimes let man made ideals get in my way, but I am not perfect and it is hard to shed some of the things we were brought up to believe, but I have come a long way and I am still growing and learning what is right for me, what the plan is that God and I put together before I came to be on this earth.

So, stick around if you are interested.  I'll share more as time goes and maybe you will come to a new way of looking at things.

Namaste

Keep Calm

2 Loves - It's Joyful and Complicated

So, I mentioned the last time I blogged that I had recently realized that I was in love with a man that I have known for a little over two years.  I have had and still do have many male friends and this is the first one I have found that I actually love as much as I love my husband.  And there is the rub.  If you have been following me all these years you can go back and you will find that I love my husband heart and soul.  We have really found ourselves to be soul mates.  So, when it hit me and let me tell you, it hit me, that I was in love with my friend Doc, well it threw me.  I had a couple weeks of complete and utter confusion going on in my heart and head.  I prayed and consulted a friend of my heart and I prayed.  I then told my husband and that in the end is what I should have done first.  He helped me put it all into perspective and in the end was so understanding it was such a relief.  He understands and also believes that it is possible to be heart and soul  in love with two people at the same time and has said that he will not stop me from following this through.  I was surprised, but so, so relieved that I had not caused any damage to our relationship and that I could continue my other relationship.

To most of you, I am sure you are saying...WHAT?????  But that is because we have been taught only about monogamy.  Created laws that don't allow people to even be married to more than one person at a time.  When marriage is an affair of the heart I don't understand where laws should come into play.  A license to get married???  Really???  As I said I did some reading on polyamory and I think one of my favorite items is from a blog titled Adventures in Polyamory.  I really liked how he put things into perspective in this blog post and I agree with so much that he says here that I really encourage you to read it, but I wanted to share my favorite line from the blog and I feel it really sums up how I feel about this in my life.  The female in his story states at one point that "love is not like a bathtub;somebody doesn't need to get out to make room for someone else."  I don't have to not love or leave my husband to be in love with Doc and act on that love.  I do however have to upfront and honest with both of them and that has been the easiest part because I love them both so much and do not want either to be hurt.

So, as I sit here typing this today, I am a very blessed woman to be loved by two wonderful men and for them both to allow me to return that love in kind.  I have three wonderful children that in no way will be hurt by this because in the end their mother is actually happier than she has been in awhile.  And it is not that I was unhappy with my marriage or my love with my husband, but that love was comfortable and I had other things going on in my life that I would allow to invade my happiness.  I am now learning to push that stuff back and enjoy the love that I have around me.

Joy and Peace to all.

Starting anew

Adoption finalized May 22nd.

Moved back to Georgia June 14th.

Realized I am heart and soul in love with a friend that I have known for just over two years.

Life is complicated, but it is all good.

Happy.

New Stuff

We are now a family of 5!!!  As of May 22nd Alejandra and Kristian became ours!!

Izza is going on to 9th grade...unbelievable!!!  Where has the time gone!!  I remember the little 11 year old that came to my house 3 1/2 years ago, just wanting to be loved...now I have a loving young lady, with a teenage attitude.  :)  It is all good...just can't believe how quick it all happened.

 

 

So, now we are off to Georgia.  Going back home after 13 1/2 years.  It will be different...I am not the same person.  I have really grown since leaving that state at 31 years of age and traveling around the U.S. changing jobs, meeting new people, and growing spiritually in the process.

 

I think different than I did then...the things that were important than are not necessarily the same things that are important to me now.  I would surprise people with some of my beliefs...but may are private and I won't go into them here.

 

So, it will be interesting to see how my new family dynamic and the me that I have grown to be fit into my old world in the Augusta, GA community. 

 

 

Excitement abounds...a lot of work in the next week and a half...and a bit of nervousness to go with it...Stay tuned...

 



Smile Today and Everyday

This one is for you Mel!

I always think about you at Halloween and when Imsee special Halloween things...

Friday Faith Talk

The presence of God is within and around me. I am alive with creative energy, awake to prospering ideas, and open to unlimited goodness.

Happy New Year!!

Why do we wait to the new year to decide to make changes and do things differently?  Well, maybe that is not accurate...I don't think I wait exactly, but I always seem to have thoughts going through my head of what I want to do different, more or less of, etc.

We have our two little ones and I have been itching to get a paint brush in their hands. I love to see the creative that comes from a child's mind.  It was my favorite thing to do when I had the girls.  I also enjoy when my Izza and I take the time to pick a picture together that we will both recreate into our own master piece.

When I meditate I get pictures in my mind's eye that I feel a pull to put down on paper and I never take the time to do so...so, in 2014 I want to find more time for that...

I am working on figuring out how to fit in all of the healthy things for me, but mental, spiritual and physical, and still meet the family, social, work and business obligations.

I know I can do it...there are those out there that do so much more than I do...and do it well...so, if they can do I can too...and I hope to have more insight on how I will work it all out in the very near future.

My thoughts are enriched by the creative spirit of God within me. I am filled with renewed enthusiasm, and my life is prospered.

Namaste my Friends!!

An Awesome Woman

I just lost my Gran...I almost cannot believe it...she was 85 and was the sweetest person you could ever know and was so much fun to be around.  I have such great memories and will cherish them forever.  This is the grandma that at my Grandpa's 60 birthday did a little dance to the stripper song swinging her dresses untied belt and grooving to the music.  She accepted my desire to follow my own spiritual path better than my parents did in the beginning.  She loved watching Cheech and Chong.  She had a habit of falling asleep 10 minutes before the end of many movies.  I was told stories of her throwing her rubber shoes down the street at my dad and uncle when they were little rascals.  She was full Italian and was everything that meant for an Italian woman living in Philly.  She never learned to drive and when she lived in South Philly I remember walking with her and my great grandma to 7th St and the Italian market to go shopping.  She made the best meatballs in the world and the best lasagna.  She loved to make peas and pasta and I have to say Gran, that was not one of my favs.  When Gran and Pops would dance together you could see how much he adore her...and now they are back together.   I love you both and will miss you until the day I see you again.



And 2 makes 5

Yep, that is right...two little ones have been added to our household.  Their case is moving to the adoption unit so we are starting our six months until we can finalize the adoption.  The little lady is 28 mos and a doll, though she has typical behavior of a child of the age and someone that is experiencing confusion due to the change in households.  My little man will be 4 in March and he is all boy, energy and all...again typical behavior of the age and the circumstances is what we are experiencing.

It is awesome having them in our home.  It tore us up when the girls were taken and we vowed we could not foster again after that experience.  So, we have been looking for children available for adoption.  These two came on our radar in October and we were ecstatic two weeks ago when we were told that CPS decided to place them with us.

The little lady reminds me so much of my two younger girls that we had for 10 months and sometimes that is difficult, but for the most part it is all joy even with the behavior issues.

Izza adores them and loves reading to them and playing with them.  They both are starting to enjoy playing with Izza.

So, we have our Christmas present early and I can't wait for the day I can share their pictures with you!!

A Cold Sunday

Not so nice weather is coming in and our church is 30 minutes away so we decided it would be safer to not go rather than to face unsafe travels on the way home...

So, Izza had her first sewing lesson today.  Though I do know how to sew, so does my husband, so he took the lead on this today.  Izza worked on straight lines to get used to how to control the speed and "material".  She did a really great job for her first time.

Then Izza and I decided to work on our first Christmas decorations for the tree...we are going with homemade decorations this year...other than some cute snowman balls I bought the other day.  These are not perfect, but they were made with love...and that makes them perfect for us.  We had fun doing them together.  Next weekend we hope to have two little ones joining the family to make more with.

Just Waiting

At times I feel like I have my life on hold...just waiting to know if we will be granted the right to raise these two little girls we are hoping to add to our forever family.  I know that is not true because we have Izza and we continue to ensure her life is full and that we are in every aspect of her life...but there is a part of me that continues to feel like I am just waiting...

I don't know if the pain of losing the three little girls we had for 10 months will ever go away...but I have to hope that getting a couple other girls added to the family will help us fill that void they left behind...

Izza prays every day for sisters...it is so precious...I am so blessed to have her....and I hope that sooner than later her prayers are answered...the awesome thing is she prays for God to watch over the sisters she had and she prays for God to watch over the sisters to come...

Her is my awesome girl last week when we went to the Grapevine Sealife.  We had to put Boomer down that day and needed a distraction.  It was a very nice family night.

Ugh Week

Yep...that is what last week was...Ugh week...

Early in the week...I am pretty sure it was Monday...my mom calls and says that they got a call that Gran's health is deteariating fast....this on top of me entering the week knowing it was my last few days with my Boomer.  And we never heard if we were selected for the two girls....

Gran is holding steady as of today, but my Boomer is gone.  It broke my heart...I cried so hard...

And...still no word on the girls...

I do hope this is a better week.

Saturday Fun with My Girl

We had such a busy week we never got the Hello Kitty pumpkin done.  Since the pumpkins are going to stay out through Thanksgiving we did it today.  Izza really enjoyed it and was very happy with her accomplishment.

I am very proud of her.  There is nothing that she cannot do and we keep finding new things to try all the time....stay tuned for the tales of her learning to sew....our new adventure.

Friday Faith Talk

I entrust the good desires of my heart to God's loving care and I know that with God all things are possible.

So, I have decided to start my own Friday theme.  Someone else may be using it too, not sure...when I did a search for ideas on what I wanted to write about today I did not see anything that floated my boat.

And so I sat here thinking about what is very important to me in my life right now and in order of importance it would be Family, Faith, and Work.  I write about family all the time, but I rarely share anything about my spiritual side.  So...now I will...on Fridays atleast.

The affirmation above is one I find myself repeating often lately.  It it simple and yet covers a vast area.

I think for many of us, I know for me, it is often difficult to hand over the reigns of what is in the heart to God and to know that He/She will provide abundantly for me if it is what is best for me.  And that last part is the kicker, isn't it? 

I have a lot of desires, but what is right for me?  I think I know, but in the end only God really does.  Being human it is often times the most difficult to accept a reality that is not inline with the desires of my heart.  I am working on meditating, not as much as I need to though, to help me get in that place where I do accept that He/She knows best.

So, if you see me and my light is a little dull, maybe you can give me an encouraging word or say a prayer/affirmation for me so that I can move closer to that understanding and acceptance and be able to share a more bright light with all.

Blessed Be!!

Season's Change

I love this time of year. The change from heat to cooler weather and if I am fortunate enough to ride somewhere that has the beautiful changing leaves I can't help but take pictures of them.

But this is also a time of year when I always seem to be examining things in my life and making changes.  So, along with the change of seasons and this balancing we are still doing between summer and fall here in Texas I am doing the balancing in my own life.  I am examing what I need to do business wise, what I need to do to get to the next level in my weightloss journey, and most importantly what will my family dynamic be over the next few months.

Some of it I can control, some of it I cannot.  Seems a lot like the change in seasons...

I have to figure out how to make it through the next few months in certain areas of my life, fortifying myself for things to come.  Similiar to entering into the winter season, preparing for the thrashing cold winds and ice that we will be plagued with here in Texas.

So, I am working on figuring out what needs to commence in my life to make it through the next season and be prepared for that wonderful new growth in the season after that...

Are you doing something similar?