Season's Change

I love this time of year. The change from heat to cooler weather and if I am fortunate enough to ride somewhere that has the beautiful changing leaves I can't help but take pictures of them.

But this is also a time of year when I always seem to be examining things in my life and making changes.  So, along with the change of seasons and this balancing we are still doing between summer and fall here in Texas I am doing the balancing in my own life.  I am examing what I need to do business wise, what I need to do to get to the next level in my weightloss journey, and most importantly what will my family dynamic be over the next few months.

Some of it I can control, some of it I cannot.  Seems a lot like the change in seasons...

I have to figure out how to make it through the next few months in certain areas of my life, fortifying myself for things to come.  Similiar to entering into the winter season, preparing for the thrashing cold winds and ice that we will be plagued with here in Texas.

So, I am working on figuring out what needs to commence in my life to make it through the next season and be prepared for that wonderful new growth in the season after that...

Are you doing something similar?

Emotionally Drained Today

I cry a little bit quite often. We were not licensed to foster/adopt with the intention to foster. We only wanted to adopt and I had my reservations when our adoption worker at our agency asked us to foster three sisters that needed to be kept together. She was told by the investigator to put them with someone that would want to adopt them. So, she thought of us, even though we had an age limit that we put in place of no children under 7. I really was not sure of this, first we are talking about fostering...I always said I could not foster as I could not give up children once they came into my home...and second these girls were 11 months, 2 years 2 mos and 4 years 2 mos. 

But I did it, one because our agency needed us to and from what was known it was a pretty good bet that the parents would not get the children back based on past history. And that past history is what has come back to bite us in the butt, or rather the heart. 

In March the day before they went to the placement hearing, a regular monthly hearing, the CASA office got a call from the woman that adopted the girls brother about five years before. She wanted the girls...I was told about this a month later...I was concerned, I asked my agency to make inquiries...and it all came back as not something to be concerned about, yada, yada. 

Well, it was something to be concerned about and they should have just taken care of the process then in my opinion, but no they waited until July to tell the judge that a "kin" has been identified and that they were going to start the home study and it should be done in 30 days. At that time I did talk to this kin's mother to plead to her to allow us to raise the girls if the parents lost their rights and to let us raise our children as cousins. I told her how attached they all were and how the oldest was just making certain strides in behavior, etc. I gave her my card, but I never heard from her. I began contact with the birth parents to try to get them to tell CPS that they did not want the girls to go to this person, but I believe someone else was feeding them promises so they never did this. I even was willing to work out a visitation with them in the event that they lost their rights. Also during this time I got certain emails from the CASA worker that looking back were very deceitful, and had she been more honest it would have helped me to prepare for what was about to happen on August 11th. 

A few days before August 11th CPS called me and indicated that the family's home-study was complete and that the girls would be moved on Sunday. The lady never came to meet them first and there was not going to be any over night visits to get the girls acquainted with them, which is often done when a move like this is about to occur. 

Needless to say I tried everything in my power in those few days to see what I could do to keep the girls, but an attorney said since we were just short of a year we had no rights and if we did bring it to court we had less than a 50% chance of winning the case. The parents were frustrated with my contacts, but I did not give up...I had to try. The girls were about to be moved 5 hours away and the parents would not be able to visit every week as they had when the girls were with us, but I could not get through to them. 

So, my precious little ones were taken from me on August 11th and placed with people they did not know because it met the CPS requirements of "reunification" even thought they have never met this brother nor the family that had him. I saw a picture about five days after they were placed and they did look happy and I was grateful for that, but it does not stop the pain that I feel every single day of not having my precious girls with me anymore. I have written to the family that has them asking if we could be a part of their lives, maybe visiting once a year and getting pictures and updates, but I have not gotten a response. I don't know what her motivation is to not answer, but I pray that some day she realizes we are no threat and that it is a good thing to include us in their lives. 

We are waiting to hear if two girls that need a permanent home will get placed with us. We did try to foster about 3 weeks after we lost the girls, but we just could not do it. So, we tendered our resignation on fostering, the children were moved and we are trying to find a girl or two to make part of our forever family. The waiting is difficult and does not make moving forward after the loss of the girls any easier. But I try...I keep trying... 

Today at church the song that was sung pushed me to tears like I have not experienced in a long time. My Izza had choir practice after service so hubby and I went to Starbucks and I cried almost the whole time I was there...it is the most I have cried since first losing the girls....and the most we have talked about the "why" since it happened. I am a better place than he is with all of it...I hope our talk today helps him as it is difficult for me to see him in the pain and having such negative thoughts about this whole thing. I myself refuse to have negative thoughts about this...I got something out of this...and I don't know why the girls are not with us any more other than the fact that a law/regulation/policy was met by CPS doing what they did, but I have to know that we made a difference in their lives and I know they taught me a ton and that there are some other girls out there that need us and that eventually we will find them. 

I entrust the good desires of my heart to God's loving care and I know that with God all things are possible.


Here is the song that was sung at church today that pushed me to my limit, but spoke to me also.

What Did I learn?

I learned that little children really are not so scary as I thought...

I learned that the love of a little one can bring a rainbow to any cloudy day...

I learned what an awesome man I am married to and how capable he is as a father...

I learned that the heart is more fragile than anyone could ever imagine...

I learned that there is no way I could ever forget those little ones...

I learned that the hurt takes a long time to become less...

I learned that the child still with me needs me too...

I learned that prayer and affirmation will help me get through the day...

I learned that my child can teach me how to deal with my heartache...

I learned that life does go on...