An Awesome Woman

I just lost my Gran...I almost cannot believe it...she was 85 and was the sweetest person you could ever know and was so much fun to be around.  I have such great memories and will cherish them forever.  This is the grandma that at my Grandpa's 60 birthday did a little dance to the stripper song swinging her dresses untied belt and grooving to the music.  She accepted my desire to follow my own spiritual path better than my parents did in the beginning.  She loved watching Cheech and Chong.  She had a habit of falling asleep 10 minutes before the end of many movies.  I was told stories of her throwing her rubber shoes down the street at my dad and uncle when they were little rascals.  She was full Italian and was everything that meant for an Italian woman living in Philly.  She never learned to drive and when she lived in South Philly I remember walking with her and my great grandma to 7th St and the Italian market to go shopping.  She made the best meatballs in the world and the best lasagna.  She loved to make peas and pasta and I have to say Gran, that was not one of my favs.  When Gran and Pops would dance together you could see how much he adore her...and now they are back together.   I love you both and will miss you until the day I see you again.



And 2 makes 5

Yep, that is right...two little ones have been added to our household.  Their case is moving to the adoption unit so we are starting our six months until we can finalize the adoption.  The little lady is 28 mos and a doll, though she has typical behavior of a child of the age and someone that is experiencing confusion due to the change in households.  My little man will be 4 in March and he is all boy, energy and all...again typical behavior of the age and the circumstances is what we are experiencing.

It is awesome having them in our home.  It tore us up when the girls were taken and we vowed we could not foster again after that experience.  So, we have been looking for children available for adoption.  These two came on our radar in October and we were ecstatic two weeks ago when we were told that CPS decided to place them with us.

The little lady reminds me so much of my two younger girls that we had for 10 months and sometimes that is difficult, but for the most part it is all joy even with the behavior issues.

Izza adores them and loves reading to them and playing with them.  They both are starting to enjoy playing with Izza.

So, we have our Christmas present early and I can't wait for the day I can share their pictures with you!!

A Cold Sunday

Not so nice weather is coming in and our church is 30 minutes away so we decided it would be safer to not go rather than to face unsafe travels on the way home...

So, Izza had her first sewing lesson today.  Though I do know how to sew, so does my husband, so he took the lead on this today.  Izza worked on straight lines to get used to how to control the speed and "material".  She did a really great job for her first time.

Then Izza and I decided to work on our first Christmas decorations for the tree...we are going with homemade decorations this year...other than some cute snowman balls I bought the other day.  These are not perfect, but they were made with love...and that makes them perfect for us.  We had fun doing them together.  Next weekend we hope to have two little ones joining the family to make more with.

Just Waiting

At times I feel like I have my life on hold...just waiting to know if we will be granted the right to raise these two little girls we are hoping to add to our forever family.  I know that is not true because we have Izza and we continue to ensure her life is full and that we are in every aspect of her life...but there is a part of me that continues to feel like I am just waiting...

I don't know if the pain of losing the three little girls we had for 10 months will ever go away...but I have to hope that getting a couple other girls added to the family will help us fill that void they left behind...

Izza prays every day for sisters...it is so precious...I am so blessed to have her....and I hope that sooner than later her prayers are answered...the awesome thing is she prays for God to watch over the sisters she had and she prays for God to watch over the sisters to come...

Her is my awesome girl last week when we went to the Grapevine Sealife.  We had to put Boomer down that day and needed a distraction.  It was a very nice family night.

Ugh Week

Yep...that is what last week was...Ugh week...

Early in the week...I am pretty sure it was Monday...my mom calls and says that they got a call that Gran's health is deteariating fast....this on top of me entering the week knowing it was my last few days with my Boomer.  And we never heard if we were selected for the two girls....

Gran is holding steady as of today, but my Boomer is gone.  It broke my heart...I cried so hard...

And...still no word on the girls...

I do hope this is a better week.

Saturday Fun with My Girl

We had such a busy week we never got the Hello Kitty pumpkin done.  Since the pumpkins are going to stay out through Thanksgiving we did it today.  Izza really enjoyed it and was very happy with her accomplishment.

I am very proud of her.  There is nothing that she cannot do and we keep finding new things to try all the time....stay tuned for the tales of her learning to sew....our new adventure.

Friday Faith Talk

I entrust the good desires of my heart to God's loving care and I know that with God all things are possible.

So, I have decided to start my own Friday theme.  Someone else may be using it too, not sure...when I did a search for ideas on what I wanted to write about today I did not see anything that floated my boat.

And so I sat here thinking about what is very important to me in my life right now and in order of importance it would be Family, Faith, and Work.  I write about family all the time, but I rarely share anything about my spiritual side.  So...now I will...on Fridays atleast.

The affirmation above is one I find myself repeating often lately.  It it simple and yet covers a vast area.

I think for many of us, I know for me, it is often difficult to hand over the reigns of what is in the heart to God and to know that He/She will provide abundantly for me if it is what is best for me.  And that last part is the kicker, isn't it? 

I have a lot of desires, but what is right for me?  I think I know, but in the end only God really does.  Being human it is often times the most difficult to accept a reality that is not inline with the desires of my heart.  I am working on meditating, not as much as I need to though, to help me get in that place where I do accept that He/She knows best.

So, if you see me and my light is a little dull, maybe you can give me an encouraging word or say a prayer/affirmation for me so that I can move closer to that understanding and acceptance and be able to share a more bright light with all.

Blessed Be!!

Season's Change

I love this time of year. The change from heat to cooler weather and if I am fortunate enough to ride somewhere that has the beautiful changing leaves I can't help but take pictures of them.

But this is also a time of year when I always seem to be examining things in my life and making changes.  So, along with the change of seasons and this balancing we are still doing between summer and fall here in Texas I am doing the balancing in my own life.  I am examing what I need to do business wise, what I need to do to get to the next level in my weightloss journey, and most importantly what will my family dynamic be over the next few months.

Some of it I can control, some of it I cannot.  Seems a lot like the change in seasons...

I have to figure out how to make it through the next few months in certain areas of my life, fortifying myself for things to come.  Similiar to entering into the winter season, preparing for the thrashing cold winds and ice that we will be plagued with here in Texas.

So, I am working on figuring out what needs to commence in my life to make it through the next season and be prepared for that wonderful new growth in the season after that...

Are you doing something similar?

Emotionally Drained Today

I cry a little bit quite often. We were not licensed to foster/adopt with the intention to foster. We only wanted to adopt and I had my reservations when our adoption worker at our agency asked us to foster three sisters that needed to be kept together. She was told by the investigator to put them with someone that would want to adopt them. So, she thought of us, even though we had an age limit that we put in place of no children under 7. I really was not sure of this, first we are talking about fostering...I always said I could not foster as I could not give up children once they came into my home...and second these girls were 11 months, 2 years 2 mos and 4 years 2 mos. 

But I did it, one because our agency needed us to and from what was known it was a pretty good bet that the parents would not get the children back based on past history. And that past history is what has come back to bite us in the butt, or rather the heart. 

In March the day before they went to the placement hearing, a regular monthly hearing, the CASA office got a call from the woman that adopted the girls brother about five years before. She wanted the girls...I was told about this a month later...I was concerned, I asked my agency to make inquiries...and it all came back as not something to be concerned about, yada, yada. 

Well, it was something to be concerned about and they should have just taken care of the process then in my opinion, but no they waited until July to tell the judge that a "kin" has been identified and that they were going to start the home study and it should be done in 30 days. At that time I did talk to this kin's mother to plead to her to allow us to raise the girls if the parents lost their rights and to let us raise our children as cousins. I told her how attached they all were and how the oldest was just making certain strides in behavior, etc. I gave her my card, but I never heard from her. I began contact with the birth parents to try to get them to tell CPS that they did not want the girls to go to this person, but I believe someone else was feeding them promises so they never did this. I even was willing to work out a visitation with them in the event that they lost their rights. Also during this time I got certain emails from the CASA worker that looking back were very deceitful, and had she been more honest it would have helped me to prepare for what was about to happen on August 11th. 

A few days before August 11th CPS called me and indicated that the family's home-study was complete and that the girls would be moved on Sunday. The lady never came to meet them first and there was not going to be any over night visits to get the girls acquainted with them, which is often done when a move like this is about to occur. 

Needless to say I tried everything in my power in those few days to see what I could do to keep the girls, but an attorney said since we were just short of a year we had no rights and if we did bring it to court we had less than a 50% chance of winning the case. The parents were frustrated with my contacts, but I did not give up...I had to try. The girls were about to be moved 5 hours away and the parents would not be able to visit every week as they had when the girls were with us, but I could not get through to them. 

So, my precious little ones were taken from me on August 11th and placed with people they did not know because it met the CPS requirements of "reunification" even thought they have never met this brother nor the family that had him. I saw a picture about five days after they were placed and they did look happy and I was grateful for that, but it does not stop the pain that I feel every single day of not having my precious girls with me anymore. I have written to the family that has them asking if we could be a part of their lives, maybe visiting once a year and getting pictures and updates, but I have not gotten a response. I don't know what her motivation is to not answer, but I pray that some day she realizes we are no threat and that it is a good thing to include us in their lives. 

We are waiting to hear if two girls that need a permanent home will get placed with us. We did try to foster about 3 weeks after we lost the girls, but we just could not do it. So, we tendered our resignation on fostering, the children were moved and we are trying to find a girl or two to make part of our forever family. The waiting is difficult and does not make moving forward after the loss of the girls any easier. But I try...I keep trying... 

Today at church the song that was sung pushed me to tears like I have not experienced in a long time. My Izza had choir practice after service so hubby and I went to Starbucks and I cried almost the whole time I was there...it is the most I have cried since first losing the girls....and the most we have talked about the "why" since it happened. I am a better place than he is with all of it...I hope our talk today helps him as it is difficult for me to see him in the pain and having such negative thoughts about this whole thing. I myself refuse to have negative thoughts about this...I got something out of this...and I don't know why the girls are not with us any more other than the fact that a law/regulation/policy was met by CPS doing what they did, but I have to know that we made a difference in their lives and I know they taught me a ton and that there are some other girls out there that need us and that eventually we will find them. 

I entrust the good desires of my heart to God's loving care and I know that with God all things are possible.


Here is the song that was sung at church today that pushed me to my limit, but spoke to me also.

What Did I learn?

I learned that little children really are not so scary as I thought...

I learned that the love of a little one can bring a rainbow to any cloudy day...

I learned what an awesome man I am married to and how capable he is as a father...

I learned that the heart is more fragile than anyone could ever imagine...

I learned that there is no way I could ever forget those little ones...

I learned that the hurt takes a long time to become less...

I learned that the child still with me needs me too...

I learned that prayer and affirmation will help me get through the day...

I learned that my child can teach me how to deal with my heartache...

I learned that life does go on...

Head over Heals...

...in love with my new babies. Yes, we have a 17 mo, 2 yr 8 mo, and 4 yr 8 mo. They are all sisters with the same father, but the two youngest have a different mother than the oldest. They have been with us since October. I wish I could say we have adopted them, but alas I cannot. We are so not a foster family. We got licensed just so that we could adopt... Then we are told that these three angels need to be placed in a home that will want to adopt them... So we did it... OMG!!! Being a foster parent really tears at you!!! I hate it!!! We were told the judge was giving this six months as he is pretty strict...well the father got out of jail right towards the end of that six months so now they are were given their full year. The girls lawyer makes it sound promising for us, but we just have no clue. Based on what the attorney says it is our hope that the father and the little ones mother realize they cannot meet what they have to in the next six months and relinquish their parental rights, realizing the girls are well cared for, loved, and happy. We don't expect the oldest girls mom to make it that easy. So, please keep us all in your prayers.

I miss blogging...will try to make this a regular habit again.