Season's Change

I love this time of year. The change from heat to cooler weather and if I am fortunate enough to ride somewhere that has the beautiful changing leaves I can't help but take pictures of them.

But this is also a time of year when I always seem to be examining things in my life and making changes.  So, along with the change of seasons and this balancing we are still doing between summer and fall here in Texas I am doing the balancing in my own life.  I am examing what I need to do business wise, what I need to do to get to the next level in my weightloss journey, and most importantly what will my family dynamic be over the next few months.

Some of it I can control, some of it I cannot.  Seems a lot like the change in seasons...

I have to figure out how to make it through the next few months in certain areas of my life, fortifying myself for things to come.  Similiar to entering into the winter season, preparing for the thrashing cold winds and ice that we will be plagued with here in Texas.

So, I am working on figuring out what needs to commence in my life to make it through the next season and be prepared for that wonderful new growth in the season after that...

Are you doing something similar?

Emotionally Drained Today

I cry a little bit quite often. We were not licensed to foster/adopt with the intention to foster. We only wanted to adopt and I had my reservations when our adoption worker at our agency asked us to foster three sisters that needed to be kept together. She was told by the investigator to put them with someone that would want to adopt them. So, she thought of us, even though we had an age limit that we put in place of no children under 7. I really was not sure of this, first we are talking about fostering...I always said I could not foster as I could not give up children once they came into my home...and second these girls were 11 months, 2 years 2 mos and 4 years 2 mos. 

But I did it, one because our agency needed us to and from what was known it was a pretty good bet that the parents would not get the children back based on past history. And that past history is what has come back to bite us in the butt, or rather the heart. 

In March the day before they went to the placement hearing, a regular monthly hearing, the CASA office got a call from the woman that adopted the girls brother about five years before. She wanted the girls...I was told about this a month later...I was concerned, I asked my agency to make inquiries...and it all came back as not something to be concerned about, yada, yada. 

Well, it was something to be concerned about and they should have just taken care of the process then in my opinion, but no they waited until July to tell the judge that a "kin" has been identified and that they were going to start the home study and it should be done in 30 days. At that time I did talk to this kin's mother to plead to her to allow us to raise the girls if the parents lost their rights and to let us raise our children as cousins. I told her how attached they all were and how the oldest was just making certain strides in behavior, etc. I gave her my card, but I never heard from her. I began contact with the birth parents to try to get them to tell CPS that they did not want the girls to go to this person, but I believe someone else was feeding them promises so they never did this. I even was willing to work out a visitation with them in the event that they lost their rights. Also during this time I got certain emails from the CASA worker that looking back were very deceitful, and had she been more honest it would have helped me to prepare for what was about to happen on August 11th. 

A few days before August 11th CPS called me and indicated that the family's home-study was complete and that the girls would be moved on Sunday. The lady never came to meet them first and there was not going to be any over night visits to get the girls acquainted with them, which is often done when a move like this is about to occur. 

Needless to say I tried everything in my power in those few days to see what I could do to keep the girls, but an attorney said since we were just short of a year we had no rights and if we did bring it to court we had less than a 50% chance of winning the case. The parents were frustrated with my contacts, but I did not give up...I had to try. The girls were about to be moved 5 hours away and the parents would not be able to visit every week as they had when the girls were with us, but I could not get through to them. 

So, my precious little ones were taken from me on August 11th and placed with people they did not know because it met the CPS requirements of "reunification" even thought they have never met this brother nor the family that had him. I saw a picture about five days after they were placed and they did look happy and I was grateful for that, but it does not stop the pain that I feel every single day of not having my precious girls with me anymore. I have written to the family that has them asking if we could be a part of their lives, maybe visiting once a year and getting pictures and updates, but I have not gotten a response. I don't know what her motivation is to not answer, but I pray that some day she realizes we are no threat and that it is a good thing to include us in their lives. 

We are waiting to hear if two girls that need a permanent home will get placed with us. We did try to foster about 3 weeks after we lost the girls, but we just could not do it. So, we tendered our resignation on fostering, the children were moved and we are trying to find a girl or two to make part of our forever family. The waiting is difficult and does not make moving forward after the loss of the girls any easier. But I try...I keep trying... 

Today at church the song that was sung pushed me to tears like I have not experienced in a long time. My Izza had choir practice after service so hubby and I went to Starbucks and I cried almost the whole time I was there...it is the most I have cried since first losing the girls....and the most we have talked about the "why" since it happened. I am a better place than he is with all of it...I hope our talk today helps him as it is difficult for me to see him in the pain and having such negative thoughts about this whole thing. I myself refuse to have negative thoughts about this...I got something out of this...and I don't know why the girls are not with us any more other than the fact that a law/regulation/policy was met by CPS doing what they did, but I have to know that we made a difference in their lives and I know they taught me a ton and that there are some other girls out there that need us and that eventually we will find them. 

I entrust the good desires of my heart to God's loving care and I know that with God all things are possible.


Here is the song that was sung at church today that pushed me to my limit, but spoke to me also.

What Did I learn?

I learned that little children really are not so scary as I thought...

I learned that the love of a little one can bring a rainbow to any cloudy day...

I learned what an awesome man I am married to and how capable he is as a father...

I learned that the heart is more fragile than anyone could ever imagine...

I learned that there is no way I could ever forget those little ones...

I learned that the hurt takes a long time to become less...

I learned that the child still with me needs me too...

I learned that prayer and affirmation will help me get through the day...

I learned that my child can teach me how to deal with my heartache...

I learned that life does go on...

Head over Heals...

...in love with my new babies. Yes, we have a 17 mo, 2 yr 8 mo, and 4 yr 8 mo. They are all sisters with the same father, but the two youngest have a different mother than the oldest. They have been with us since October. I wish I could say we have adopted them, but alas I cannot. We are so not a foster family. We got licensed just so that we could adopt... Then we are told that these three angels need to be placed in a home that will want to adopt them... So we did it... OMG!!! Being a foster parent really tears at you!!! I hate it!!! We were told the judge was giving this six months as he is pretty strict...well the father got out of jail right towards the end of that six months so now they are were given their full year. The girls lawyer makes it sound promising for us, but we just have no clue. Based on what the attorney says it is our hope that the father and the little ones mother realize they cannot meet what they have to in the next six months and relinquish their parental rights, realizing the girls are well cared for, loved, and happy. We don't expect the oldest girls mom to make it that easy. So, please keep us all in your prayers.

I miss blogging...will try to make this a regular habit again.

Visit to GA

I had two weeks with family in GA.  It was probably the best visit home since I moved away 12 years ago.

My uncle came down from Jersey with his family.  Izza and his son,  my cousin and her cousin of course, were inseparable.   Izza got to ride on a three person float with her cousins.  A first for her and she loved it.  We also went to analternative arcade amusement complex where the Izza and her four cousins had a ball.

We had dinner with my in-laws, which allowed Izza to meet her Uncle Scott and Aunt Rhian in addition to two more cousins. 

It was great spending time with my parents not doing anything planned...just being together.

Since I worked some of the time from the VA facility I was even able to have lunch with some of my former co-workers.  It was great to see them again.

It was awesome to spend this time with the family.  I miss everyone so much with living so far away, but I have to say it is also nice to get back to my regular life.  There is no place like the home you make for yourself.

Patience of a Diamond

Even if our efforts of attention seem for years to be producing no result, one day a light that is in exact proportion to them will flood the soul- Simone Weil

I read this and it is like...hell, yeah...that is what I am talking about...I wish more people could "hear" those words and get what they mean...


I used to be an Amway Independent Business Owner (IBO).  I was young and not very experienced in life.  I was told what I needed to do to be successful in the Amway business, but I just did not get it.  I was not willing to do what I was told and again...I just did not get it.


It is now 8+ years later and I ironically came in contact with the Amway business again while I was on vacation at Disney World right before Christmas.  The man I met has reached a significant level in the bonus payments from Amway.  I asked him some questions, questions that pertained to part of why I did not stay with the Amway business.  He had good answers...gave me a lot to think about.


On the way home my husband and I talked about this opportunity that had come around to us for the second time in our life.  It was a no brainer, we had to become Amway IBOs again.  We are mentally in a different place than we were back then, we are wiser, and we see Amway in a whole different way than we did back in the 90s and early 2000s.


Then we get our access as IBOs and we sign up for the training and we are so surprised and happy to find training like we never received before.  We find ourselves being told how to sell the products in a way that no one ever explained to use before.  We see this business in a whole new light than anything we had ever experienced in the past.  We are excited.  We can't wait to market our products and we love the Amway products, have never stopped so it is just like anything else we have experienced in retail, accept that now we get paid for telling people about products that we love and referring them to the store that we got them from.


So, yes...I so get this quote...our efforts before, did not see any results, but in the last two months we have already made more in this business than we ever made in the six or seven years we were in the business before.  So much of that success in the past two months is due to what we learned before and our life experiences since leaving Amway.  With big dreams and goals we can see the light.  With patience and hard work we will be successful and get to have the most fun in life ever.


Don't ever give up on those dreams and goals.  With hard work and the patience of a diamond we can all shine. Banish discouragement and feelings of impossibility by working hard, doing more, and not giving in! A diamond was only made beautiful after millions of years as a lump of coal.  

Doors

The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. - Flora Whittemore, author

So true.  In the last year I have had some significant opening and closings of doors.  I had adopted the best little girl in the world.  I  had surgery to help me lose weight.  I started a new job closing the doors on a career I had been in for over 21 years.  I have had friendship doors open and close in the past year and am fine with that.  I believe all friendships go a course.  And now we are back in a business that we left over 8 years ago and I can see so many doors opening.

I am so excited about the doors that are opening and expect that we will have some close along the way as we become different people and lead totally different lives.  It is a journey I am ready and willing for...let's go!!

One True Friend

If you have one true friend you have more than your share. - Thomas Fuller, English clergyman & historian

This is a quote that was on one of my www.sparkpeople.com daily emails.

I just had to blog about it...

I have at least four people in my life I consider true friends, so I have way more than my fair share and a day does not go by that I do not count myself blessed for these people in my life...We all live far apart now and most of them have met each other, which is a great bonus for me of course...but distance has not diminished the love I have for these people in  my life or the trust I have in them.

I hope you too have at least one true friend.

Vacation - December 2011

We had a great time with Mom and Dad in Orlando...it was tiring, but a great vacation...

Disney Vacation 2011

I took a ton of pictures and I still need to purchase the pictures taken by the Disney photographers with our Photopass, but here are a good many for you to get an idea of how the trip went...
We were there for four days, sadly Izza got ill on the 4th day after just one ride so we ended up not doing anything that fourth day and that really was supposed to be the big ride day...We went on the Space Mountain and though she was excited to go on it, we believe she held her breath and caused herself to get a migraine on the ride.
So, we have plans to go back for Halloween this year for a weekend in October to experience the Mickey's Not-so-Scary Halloween party...and have a day at Universal Studios...Can't wait!!

Christmas Already

I just can't believe it is that time already...tomorrow will be a year that Izza came to live with us...WOW!!  A whole year!!  She is such a different little girl from the one that came to my house a year ago.  She is so much more alive and so, so smart...everyday it is something new about her that just makes me want to smile and cry all at once...I want to do something special, but we are having to watch our money because we go on vacation next weekend...she does not know where we are going...I can't wait!!!  I can't even sleep!!!  Disney World...she won't know until we are driving in the gates!!  And I have her booked for a Bippity Boppity Boutique session with the full package!!  So, must watch the funds...but I think it will all be worth it once she is there...

We had our first family portrait done the weekend after Thanksgiving.  I was so excited for this...Look at her...she is gorgeous...We are so fortunate to have her in our lives!!

So, a year ago this is what my little girl looked like...tell me...doesn't she look like a completely different child now...it is kinda weird to me.

She got to go to her first ballet today and she loved it.  She, of course, saw The Nutcracker.  She is ready for after vacation to get back to her gymnastics and Special Olympics Basket ball.  I love it that she loves to do all of these things.  Though I am sure so much of it is because she never did anything before.

She had compound words for her spelling words this week.  I was really worried for her, but she says she did good on the test, though she did not bring it home like she usually does, but with all of the stuff going on at school today I guess that was to be expected.  We'll see on Monday I hope.

She will be singing on Sunday with the children's choir for the other children at church and then on Thursday she will be singing with her school choir.  She has been practicing for both for weeks, even singing at home.  I hope she does not get the stage fright like she had in October.  I have told her to look right at me or Daddy and sing to us if she gets nervous.  She loves to sing so I hope her love for singing overcomes her stage fright.

Well, I really should be in bed...just needed to share all of my happiness with the world.

Namaste.