Lost a Loved One

I apologize for not being around the last week.  I lost my Uncle Bill last Sunday evening and just have not been in a mood to write much.

My uncle was only 44 and had been in a very bad vehicle accident a week prior to his death.  It has been very hard and very unbelievable for me.  I was unable to make the trip to Philly to be with the rest of the family over the past week so that has made it a little harder I think.

This is an uncle that I have written to often over the years and sadly I have not answered his last letter as I have gotten lazy and it takes me months sometimes to write back.  I hate that I let that happen.

The other thing that is really bothering me is that Uncle Bill and Dad had not talked in four years because my Uncle Bill had some issues with my dad that had to do with when my Grandpa died four years ago.  My father had nothing to do with that, but Uncle Bill harbored a grudge with my dad about it.  I hate it for my pop that Uncle Bill passed before they could make it right.

I will miss him a lot even though we were not in constant contact.  He was a very loving person and cared for his family deeply.  He had a hard life and should not have left it so soon as he was just beginning to enjoy it.

Uncle Bill and his wife Denise

30 Days Of Truth - Day 14 → A hero that has let you down

Truthfully??  Well, I have never had a hero...so there was not one to let me down.  I was supposed to do this blog yesterday, but it was my birthday and I totally wore myself out on my own birthday by having a very busy schedule for the day.  So, when I looked at this last night I did not want to think at that point so I put it off until today.

Well, I looked at this about 15 minutes ago and have been sitting here thinking about it, even talked to hubby about it...and it seems I just don't have any recollection of having a hero in my life.  Is that wrong? Should we all have a hero?  If so, then I guess I am just not normal...but then I have never claimed to be...

30 Days Of Truth - Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Dear Celine Dion,


There was a time in my life when my husband and I were separated.  I was very lonely at night and one of the ways I dealt was to listen to Delilah on the radio at night.  One night I heard your song, "To love you more".  That song spoke to me the words I wanted to say to my husband.  I hoped for that song every night and I eventually found the song and played it for my husband.  Whenever I hear that song to this day I think about those days and am thankful to have heard it when I most needed it.  Music plays an important part in our lives and your songs speak to so many people that I am sure that I am not the only one that has found that your songs can help get them through a tough spot in life.  Thanks for your creativity and bringing the right song into my life just when I needed it...

30 Days Of Truth - Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on


Well, that is a no brainer...my physique...and can you blame them...I am obese...no denying it...I would not compliment me on my physique either.  Knowing this does not make it any easier to do what needs to be done to change.  My biggest obstacle is getting exercise into my life...I am so tired at the end of the day and I get up so early to catch my train...so I do not know the solution, but I have not given up.

We do want to get some bikes and start riding in the evenings and weekends once it gets a little cooler out.  Hubby is part time now so he is cooking healthy meals for us...but I still need to work on my activity...and then maybe some day...I'll get that compliment.

30 Days Of Truth - Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Okay, been sitting here thinking about this...and I can't think of anything specific.  I can say that when I do receive a compliment I am usually embarrassed or brush it off...not sure why. So, I guess in brushing it off it has caused me not to remember.  I can say most compliments are aimed at something nice I may have done and I don't believe that deserves a compliment as it is just who I am and who I feel we should all be...

I know it is much of an answer, but it is my truth...

30 Days Of Truth - Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know.

I can't think of anyone...and I think part of the reason is that I believe everyone comes into our life for a reason.  If I don't care for someone then in the end they are not part of my life...I let them go pretty quickly, but I believe there were brought into my life for a reason...

One good example would be my BFF's first ex-husband.  I knew him in high school, but did not like him.  He came into my life again three years after I graduated because he moved into our apartment complex where I was living with my parents.  He was brought into my life to bring me my soul sister, whom my life would not be complete without.  I did not like him even then, but she and I have formed a relationship to last many lifetimes...

30 Days Of Truth - Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted


Well, I have three that come to mind right away.  Two are back in my life after about 18-20 years via Facebook.  Julee Shiley and I worked together at J.C. Penney's when she was Julee Olsen, not sure if that is spelled right because she had a unique way for spelling her name if I remember right.  When she moved on to a job at a doctors office we drifted a part.  Talked a couple times over the two years between 1988 and 1990, but our lives were going in different directions.  I always missed the friendship we had for that year that we worked at J.C Penney's though.  Her mom and her were very important to my growth in maturity at that time.


The other that is back in my life is MaryAnn Sansonetti.  She dated my brother back in 1989 to 1991 or 1992.  They were a great couple, but somehow things did not work out.  We would see each other around, but she was going to school and I was in a new marriage so we drifted and went our own ways.  I have always missed her as we used to have so much fun together so I used to look for her once in awhile on the next...and then in late 2007 I found her.  It was great reconnecting and now we are on FB together and can keep up with each other.


Lastly would be Shelia Kinney, I don't remember her maiden name.  She lived across the street from me in the apartment complex I lived at with my parents.  We did a lot together, spending the majority of our free time together 1988 to 1990.  When I got the job at Fort Gordon I introduced her to one of the soldiers I worked with and well...the hit is off and I guess you can figure out the rest of th4e story.  They began dating, and eventually moved in together, got married, no I was never invited...and I was forgotten.  It hurt, for a long time...but I think of her now and again.  We had a lot of fun together...have never been able to find her online.  I figure it is not her thing,

30 Days Of Truth - Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.


Wow, at first thought I am like...I can't answer this, no one has done that to me...but then sadly, I think of my deceased mother-in-law and I realize, that yeah...I have been done that way.


My mother-in-law could never accept my marriage to my hubby until the very end, at least I think she finally had.  It is hard to tell because during those 15 years that we were married before she died there were times that it would seem she was started to accept me, but then she would do something mean towards me again, whether it be telling lies or making stupid ass remarks aimed to hurt me.


Part of my problem was that I wanted so bad to have a MIL that I could get along with and do things with and I would try to include her in our life and share stuff about our life with her and she would then make false accusations or complain about something to Kerry that I might have told her...so it was a no win situation for me...sadly it got to where I hated to hear her voice before she passed, then when she passed I missed her because in the end I found that even though she made my life hell at times I truly did care about her...

30 Days of Truth - Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

That is an easy one and I am sure it is probably a common answer, but it is my truth....my Hubby is how has made my life worth living for...He is everything to me.  As I said in yesterday's post I could not imagine living without him.

The world can often be a very different place through his eyes.  He has cerebral palsy. This year he has been going through all of the testing again.  It was kind of funny to sit in the office with them and read and talked about the results because they were not saying anything I did not already know.  I have lived with him for over 19 years...I better know these things.  It was interesting though at how they explained certain things.  It helped us to understand why he is a certain way or why certain things effect him a specific way.  But because of his handicap he can be quite innocent in how he views the world at times and it is like a breath of fresh air for me.

And he loves so much and never asks for anything in return, except to be loved also.  He is a one in a million as far as I am concerned and I am one very lucky lady...So, yes, I my hubby makes my life worth living.  I go to work every day for him...so that we can make a great life together and have a much fun as we can during the time that we have on this earth together.

Saturday Six - Video Games

Name 6 of your favourite video games?


This is actually a little difficult because I don't play as many video games as I used to, but I will give it a try.


I guess my favorite at this time is Culdcept Saga.  This game brings Magic the Gathering and Monopoly together in one game.  These are two of my favorite games so it really works for me.  I hardly ever beat a game, but I have beat this one three times and will be working on a fourth this winter maybe.  My goal is to collect all of the creature cards and then to work towards getting all of the XBOX 360 achievements for the game.

I think my second would be Hasbro's Family Game Night.  I love board games and this brings those to the screen in a fun way for the whole family.

My third would be Tiger Wood's Golf for WII.  We play this game with my Sister and Brother in laws when we go visit them.  It was weird not playing it when we got together at the beach this year because we always have our little tournaments when we visit them.  It is a lot of fun for all of us.


Now this is where is begins to get difficult for me.  Let's see.  Oh, I know Etherlords II.  I think I found this on Ebay a few years back and it sounded like my type of game so I got it and it ended up being a great find.  I really like games that are RPGs, turn based, and contain a fantasy element and this game as all three.


I was seeing the game Spore either online or on TV a few years back and it looked interesting so I think I asked for it for Christmas or something.  It is a pretty neat game because you get to create different creatures and they can end up being pretty interesting looking.

I have never tried World of Warcraft online, but I did like Warcraft: Orcs & Humans in it's day.  I like these real time strategy games that require you to build up your forces and conquer an enemy.

Another one that was similar that I liked was Heroes of Might and Magic.  I used to play this for hours.  The game play is much like Warcraft with the building of armies and kingdom's and the conquering of enemies.

Well, I made it through my six.  I had to dig back a little for some of them, which you will see if you check out the links I provided.  Some are quite old and I have not played them in a long time, but they were favorites in their day.

30 Days Of Truth - Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do

Day 06 → Something you hope you never

 

have to do.

There are so many things, but some of them are going to be unavoidable so there is no sense putting them here.

I guess the first one is that I hope I will never have to bury my child.  Watching my sister-in-law have to do these showed me it must be the hardest thing in the world to have to do.

I also hope to never have to bury my husband.  I can't imagine what my life would be without him and I never want to know.

I think those are the most important ones, anything else is superfluous and I would probably do if I had to...

30 Days of Truth - Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your

life


Wow, there is so much I hope to do in my life.  I still want to have the chance to raise a child and watch them become a happy productive part of the community, then have a family of their own.


I also hope to visit numerous places in this world to be awed by nature and by the things humans have been able to create.


I am also looking strongly at taking these last 10 years of my life as a government employee and going back to school to get a law degree in order to be able to practice family law and represent foster children as my second career when I retire from my government job.


Just of few of the many...If you want more you can always check out My Bucket List post from April of this year.

Wednesday Wickedness takes a famous person and their quotes and asks questions based on those quotes.  This week they picked Prince William.




1. “I've had lots of kids come up and ask for my autograph, I've had a grandmother stop me and ask me if I know a good place to buy underwear.”Where do you buy your underwear?


I like the cotton stretchy high cut thigh briefs at Catherine's.  I usually get them when they have a 3 for 2 sale.


2. “I'm always open for people saying I'm wrong because most of the time I am.” How often are you wrong?


I am wrong occasionally.  But I try really hard to not speak or make a decision on something unless I am pretty sure that I will be right in answer or decision.


3. “Harry can paint but I can't. He has our father's talent while I, on the other hand, am about the biggest idiot on a piece of canvas. I did do a couple of drawings at Eton which were put on display. Teachers thought they were examples of modern art, but in fact, I was just trying to paint a house!” What was the last thing that you drew?


I think the last thing I drew was an Angel wing I was sketching to make into a larger painting.  I have did do the painting and don't think I will now.  This weekend we are going to going to a painting class/party.  They provide the tools, canvas, easel, apron, paints, brushes, and we paint the theme, which is Sunflower on Red.  It is a BYOB so I am anticipating fun!!


4. “I do think I am a country boy at heart. I love the buzz of towns and going out with friends and sitting with them drinking and whatever -- it's fun -- but, at the same time, I like space and freedom.” How would you describe yourself?


I am definitely a country girl that likes to have a city nearby for some culture.


5. “I remember her as being a huge inspiration to me, someone to really look up to and admire.” He’s talking about his mom. Who do you admire?


I too admire my mom.  I have said it more than once in my life.  She is a strong woman when she needs to be.  She lived through having a husband go to Vietnam and not knowing if she would ever see him again.  She was practically a single mom at times having to deal with my brother and I while my father was off defending our country.


6. “I think it's very important that you make your own decision about what you are. Therefore you're responsible for your actions, so you don't blame other people.” How do you think you are about taking responsibility for your actions?


I am always responsible for my actions or non-actions.  I have never had a problem with assuming that responsibility.for something I may have done wrong or failed to do and I never will have a problem with that as it would be denying who I am at the core.


7. “My guiding principles in life are to be honest, genuine, thoughtful and caring.” What are your guiding principles?


Hmm, interesting.  Not something I think about often.  I just live...  But if I had to name something I would say my guiding principles would be to be caring, to live knowing God is in me and that I am inherently good because of that, to be honest with those I come in contact with in this life, and to love with all my heart.


8. “Only the mad girls chase me, I think.” When you were, or if you are, single: What type of people chased you?


I do not believe anyone ever chased me...even when I was slim and a looker.  But it was their loss!!


9.   “I don't deliberately select my friends because of their background. If I enjoy someone's company, then that's all that counts. I have many different friends who aren't from the same background as me and we get on really well -- it's brilliant.” How do you select your friends?


I think the people who have become my friends are people who may have a similar interest, or who are just genuinely good people.  I am good friends with a lot of people that there are things I don't like about them, but I always come back to their heart, and their compassion.  If they are genuinely good people it is a no brainer that I would like them as a friend.


10. “People say it's not ambitious, but it is actually quite ambitious wanting to help people.” When was the last time that you volunteered to help people?


I have not taken the time to go volunteer somewhere though I have often thought about helping out at a soup kitchen or the harvest food bank.  I do help people in my life that are in need of help and I often donate to important causes.  I want my child to learn how fortunate they are and to learn to give back so I will be doing that volunteering that I have been thinking about over the years.

30 Days Of Truth - Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive

 

someone for.

First I have to forgive my bff for the two times that she lied to me terribly.  The first time I was so made that we did not talk for a few years.  The second time I was more hurt than mad because I thought we had moved past her lying to me.  I have never figured out why she feels the need to lie to me when she says she loves me, but in the end because I do love her I must forgive her and move on so as to not let this ruin the bond that we have had for the past 19 years.  I love her like she is my own sister...we have a connection that seems like we have known each other in past lives.  Love you Girl!!

Second, and it is a bit late, but I need to forgive my mother-in-law for  interfering in my marriage.  I did not come to terms with things before she passed and I wish I would had let it go and let her know I had forgiven her for calling a lawyer for my husband to divorce me, when just the night before she had told me to give him some time...that he would come around in a month or so.  She did eventually drive him back to me, I guess I was the lesser of the two evils at the time and since then we have separated one more time, but now we have been married over 19 years and our relationship is very strong and healthy.  I do forgive her for her misdirected love for her son.  I wish she had been a different person, a person I could have had a good relationship with, but that was never to be as she died before we ever had the chance to get to a point were I could trust her and feel like she cared about me.

30 Days Of Truth - Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive

yourself for.




I guess it is kind of ironic that the thing I need to forgive myself for is my Day 01, something I hate about myself.  I have to forgive myself for allowing me to get over 300 lbs.  If I do not forgive myself I do not believe I will ever be able to get back to a healthy weight.


I am on day three and am still sticking with my eating plan.  I did have to eat lunch out today due to uncontrollable events, but I feel I made a smart choice of a half of a tuna salad and small side of coleslaw.  And the sodium must have not been that bad because my feet were not swollen this afternoon.  Today is the first day in four days that I did not walk a mile, but that is okay because I am still on target for doing 5 miles this week.

30 Days Of Truth - Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about

 

yourself.

You would think that saying what you love about yourself would be easy, but for me it does not seem so easy.  It was easier to say what I did not like.

So, after much thought, I believe what I love about myself is that I am not perfect.  Typically Virgos have to be perfect and there are some areas of my life, mainly work, where I do strive for that, but I love that I have learned that I create my own reality and sometimes that reality may not be what I had planned, but what was really meant to be.

Our Labor Day Lunch

So, as I said yesterday we are eating off a menu we created on Saturday. We have done really well staying on menu and not eating stuff out side of the home.  I need to really keep it natural and control what I eat to watch my sodium.  


Yesterday was a meat free day, and today is also.  I was looking at tomorrow's menu plan and guess what, another meat free day.  Did not realize we had put so many meat free days on the menu.


Today's lunch was a taco salad and we used Vegetable Crumblies made from soy protein.  I was a little worried about the texture, but it all came together and tasted great with no weird texture.  I also mixed some silkie tofu in with the sour cream to add more protein.  It was all delicious.  

Just finished a mile walk...going to have some breakfast and then hit the shower!

30 Days Of Truth

I was reading a new blog that I am going to follow and she had this "30 Days of Truth" that she is doing.  I think it is very interesting.  There is not a link for where this originated, but she did have the full 30 days listed. So, I have included them below.  

This will be my Day 01 post.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why?

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I hate that I am fat!!  I know I have done this to myself, but I do hate it.  And even with hating it I don't seem to be able to make myself do what I have to do to change it.  But saying that I have to say I am working on it again. 

Yesterday Kerry and I put together a healthy menu for the next seven days.  I also have a plan to walk 5 miles this week.  It is a start.  I will get through this week before thinking of the next.  And then hopefully someday I can stop hating this about myself.

Unconscious Mutterings

1. Gangs :: Are ridiculous; I just don't get them
2. Contact :: Every person needs contact with another human
3. Surprisingly :: full after a lunch of black beans and rice with grilled veggies
4. Penciled :: sketches have a natural beauty to them
5. Ignore :: loud obnoxious people on the train
6. Let’s go! :: TO THE BEACH!!
7. Cornerstone :: of every relationship is trust
8. Influential :: I have gained influence in the VA after 20 years and moving up in the ranks a bit
9. Holistic :: preferred method of medical treatment in my household
10. Lovesick :: will always be lovesick about hubby